My feelings for you overwhelm me sometimes. I want to be cautious, protect myself. I need to move forward slowly, taking time to get to know the real you. I truly haven’t known you that long, and there’s so much to learn. What are your hopes, your dreams? What are your fears? Who are you, deep down where no one has looked before?
I’ve allowed myself to be swept into a romantic fantasy before, and I almost paid the ultimate price. I was fooled by his charm, mistook his attention for affection. I wanted to believe what he was telling me and so I did, almost without question. I failed to see his true character because the one he portrayed seemed to be all I’d ever wanted.
I can’t risk that again, yet I’m drawn to you. I could talk to you endlessly, swaying on the porch swing, my head on your shoulder. I feel safe with you, not just because you’ve protected me but because you have opened yourself to me, showed me your vulnerable side. You have demonstrated trust in me and I yearn to reciprocate.
I know I should be careful, but my emotions burn with a fervor I can’t seem to control. My desire for you runs through my veins, warming my blood. My longing is genuinely physical, but it goes so far beyond lust. I don’t dare label this; I’m not sure I know the words to describe it even if I dared.
But there is fear behind the passion. True terror courses though me when we talk of the future. After what has happened, how can I trust again? How can I open myself up when by doing so I risk allowing you to hurt me?
Even in this way you are unique. We have talked about this, perhaps too much. You listen to my concerns…no, you hear my concerns. There’s a difference. In the past I haven’t been heard. Others have listened to what I said, then offered platitudes or swept my feelings to the side. You take the time to understand, to ask questions, to discuss solutions without forcing your will on me.
I don’t know how to release my anxiety. I don’t know how long I will need to know you, or how well, before I can turn hope into faith. Because I do feel hope. I feel it blossoming in my chest when we are together.
I don’t know where this will go, what this will be. But I want it, perhaps more than I’ve ever wanted anything before.
This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Fervor and is part of something longer I am working on.
Photo by James Garcia on Unsplash