As I sit on the cool flat rock, the mellifluous sound of the stream starts to calm my racing mind. I wrap my arms around my shins, resting my cheek on my knee as my eyes drift closed. The musical melody of the slow running water washes over me as a tear escapes. I inhale deeply, breathing in the scent of pine and moist earth. More tears dampen the jeans covering my legs.
I’m not sad. Today has been an amazing day. Why am I crying? So much is going right in my life.
I have wonderful friends who sincerely care about me. I have never felt more loved in my life. We don’t always see eye to eye, we’ve had our differences, but invariably we support each other in the end. I have recently made new connections with people who are quickly becoming important to me as well.
This community, my extended family even if we are not related by blood, has believed in me. Both new and old friends have given me courage to start pursuing my dreams. They encouraged me to do what I’m most passionate about. It is because of them I have opened my mind to so many possibilities.
My heart aches as my mind wanders down this path. For so long I have wanted to be supported this way. How many years did I spend looking for happiness in all the wrong places? I attempted to find pleasure from food and alcohol. I tried to be content advancing in my career even though it wasn’t my passion. I sought validation through unsatisfying relationships. I looked to others for my happiness, unable to find it within myself.
These people I’m fortunate to call “friends” have seen the best in me. They saw my value, they appreciated my unique qualities, and by doing this they taught me that I am worthy. It has taken years, but through them I have learned to begin to love myself. I have accepted my faults, acknowledged my past mistakes, and have decided to be the person they have known I am.
Suddenly I realize the ache in my chest is from the walls I had built crumbling down. I sense my heart opening and it occurs to me that removing the barrier allows me to truly love myself. This is what brought the tears. They aren’t tears of sadness, but of joy. I feel content in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever felt. I FEEL in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever felt.
My eyes flutter open and I take in the scene before me. The sunlight filtering through the trees seems brighter than it had before. The birds chirping blends with the music from the stream in perfect harmony, the other little creatures of the forest dancing to their beat. I am overwhelmed by the beauty of it all and I wish you, my friend, were here to share it with me.
This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Mellifluous