Knee deep in snow, the bright sunshine reflecting off the white pristine surface gently warms my face, the only part of me left unprotected from the cold. Similarly, my inner turmoil wages war; frigid loneliness battles tepid peace. Who could fail to appreciate the beauty of this winter morning? The sun glints off the tips of frozen pine boughs; icicles cling to naked branches as barren as my soul.

Standing here I relive each heartache, each twist and turn that has led me to this life of isolation. Every painful sorrow has added another brick to the wall around my heart. I have united all my personal demons, strengthened by my disabling fear of being hurt yet again, to create a ritualistic dance of protection; first I lash out with words as sharp as a sword, then quickly withdraw out of reach.

Apricity wraps itself around me like a blanket, like a lover’s arms.

Only an archaic word like apricity will suffice on such a day, as I stand wallowing in solitude. It shelters me. It defends me. It thaws my frozen heart.

I long to share this moment; break free from my self-imposed quarantine. I need to devise new moves, ones that welcome instead of repel. I yearn for tools to break apart the mortar protecting my heart.

I crave the touch of another, a warm breath on my chilly skin. I ache to feel my heart racing with fervent anticipation, instead of crippling worry. I want to be able to surrender completely and trust that someone will be there to catch me.

But I am afraid; in truth I am terrified.

I dream of carefree days, playfully frolicking together instead of facing each empty day alone. I fantasize that someday I will find a way to break down the barriers; shatter the glass cage I have forced myself into. I imagine a life where I am free of the confines of my cowardice and allow another to share my darkest secrets.

I know I can’t do this alone; I’ve tried endlessly and failed. Who has the chisel that can crack through this hardened shell? Who will wrap me in their warming embrace and melt the crystals that are now the foundation for my heart and soul?

This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Archaic

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