The tide rolls in; the tide rolls out. It is smooth and rhythmic, like my breath. It calms me. It soothes me. It brings my focus to the present moment and allows my cares to be washed away, at least most of them.
Last night I went for a walk on the beach. This is something I used to do several nights a week, but recently haven’t had time for, or haven’t made time for. I’ve been feeling a bit off recently and needed time to think about some things (this is the introvert in me).
On the beach the sound of the waves and the cry of the seagulls drowns out my less helpful, self-critical thoughts. The feel of the sand beneath my feet helps to keep my attention on the present. The breeze blows my hair and my worries behind me. For a while I am captured by nature; as the sun drops closer to the horizon I am a part of something bigger than myself.
But sometimes life intrudes on these moments….a text from my tenant explaining why the rent is late, another from my daughter asking what happens if she’s too sick to go to school. My peace shattered, my attention turns to the people I pass as I walk. Happy couples, hand in hand; families building a sandcastle and taking selfies. Why was their happiness suddenly making me feel like something is missing in my life?
I do not spend time regretting the past. It can’t be changed. I don’t compare myself to others. Even people who look happy in a given moment have problems; and besides, I’m not unhappy.
These past few months I’ve accomplished more than I ever dreamed possible. I’m getting into shape; I published a book; I’m beginning new projects. I am surrounded by friends who are infinitely supportive, and sincerely happy for everything I am achieving. My kids are amazing and truly bring me joy. My finances are solid, money is building in my savings. I’m making plans for my future.
I guess the way I’ve been feeling can best be described as lonely, and possibly nostalgic. I’m not going to pretend I don’t feel this way, but I’m not going to wallow in it either. Today I’m going to focus on gratitude. I’m going to spend some time today thinking about how much I really have in my life, because honestly my life is amazing. I don’t regret what has brought me here and I’m going to look forward instead of behind me.
And it’s simply not possible to feel both grateful and lonely at the same time.
I’m going to start right now. I am grateful for you. I am grateful you took the time to read this. I’m grateful for everyone who follows my blog and who takes the time to comment. I’m especially grateful for those people who I am now connected with outside of this blog who are becoming good friends. You all add so much to my life.
This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Tide