I tell myself there’s no need to fret; I don’t have to worry. It will all work out for the best. I believe in myself. I am strong. I am confident. I am brave.
And then something happens that threatens my resolve, causes me to doubt.
This morning I found out that my ex and his wife learned that I was publishing a book and writing a blog. It was only a matter of time. It’s not a secret; it can’t be. But I know they’re going to read it, or rather their stepmother will read it and report back to my ex. I’m certain they want to know what I might be writing about them. Little do they know that they factor so little in my life these days that I rarely mention them at all.
Yet this fills me with fear that is not proportional to the circumstances. It tempts me to censor what I write and that is frustrating me. I want this blog to be a place where I am free to write how I feel. I don’t want to worry about whether they will find out and try to use something I write against me.
I love what I am creating here. I honestly do. I’m proud of what I’m putting out there, both on this blog and in my book. I don’t want to let my fear of how he might react lesson that in any way.
For a number of reasons, partly in anticipation of this exact situation, and partly for other reasons, I had already registered a separate domain that I will be using for writing related to my book and any future publications, because yes, I want to do this again, and again. The new domain currently points to this blog, but I need to change that; and I need to do that before the book is published.
Selfishly perhaps, I want to keep this blog for me. I want to have this space to be an unfiltered reflection of me. So I believe this is for the best, although it’s not really what I want to do. It’s the only way I can stop the worry that has taken hold…
Please let me know your thoughts, I’d like to know.
This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Fret