Today’s word prompt brought back some frantic days while I was going through my divorce. Those days I was full of fear, cringing when my husband’s number showed up on my cell phone while I was working (why did I always answer?). In seeing this word I felt the panic that followed me in those days. I felt all over again the reasons I left an emergency bag of clothes under my desk at work, the reasons I made arrangements with a friend to stay with her if things got so bad I couldn’t go home. Although I wasn’t afraid he would hurt me physically the terror was almost the same.
But I’ve come so far I didn’t want that to be my story today.
Today I’m frantically working on a new project. I am frantically following a dream. I am frantically rushing toward a deadline I have set for myself, one that I will hold myself to.
I’m writing a book. This is something I have wanted to do since I was a child. As a young girl I actually wrote a mystery, bound by my own hand with construction paper as the cover. I don’t know where that story is now, but this has truly been a lifelong dream.
I first put up this blog in 2014, thinking this was a way to start working toward that goal. I wrote 6 or 7 posts, decided no one would want to read what I had to write and gave up. In one of my fits of self-improvement, and in an effort to find something positive to obsess over, I took a class from the local college on writing a book. And so I started writing again, only to quit. Why put in all this effort? Who is going to read what I have to say?
About a month ago I came back to this blog. I deleted the old posts…they were a reflection of someone I used to be, not the person I’ve become. I started putting my thoughts out to the world and have been welcomed into the WordPress community, for which I’m extremely grateful! I sincerely appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read my thoughts, I appreciate those of you who have graciously joined the conversation and I appreciate even more those who now call me “friend.”
The daily prompts have been motivating, encouraging me to write more often than I’d ever intended but also pulling me further into the experience of blogging. Some of the things I’ve been most proud of would not have been written if not for the word of the day.
As ideas started flowing I resurrected my dusty old goal. I started writing the book. In the beginning I had a plan for it, an outline I thought I was going to follow; but this project has taken on its own momentum and has moved in directions I wasn’t expecting. The book is not at all what I thought I would be writing about but it is what has come out of me. I guess that’s what they mean when people talk about “flow.” It’s almost beyond my control. This IS what I’m writing about. Maybe my other ideas will be used in a future project, but not now.
This is my new reality. I am leaving my frantic past where it belongs, simply a part of history, something to be learned from but no longer feared.
This post is in response to the daily writing prompt Frantic