Love Shouldn’t Hurt – Deeevorce

For a year, whenever I disagreed with my ex he would ask, “what do you want…a deeevorce?” He would say “deeevorce” instead of “divorce”, like saying it that way somehow made it less hurtful, funny even.  He said this with a smile, knowing that I would never leave him.  You see, this started almost as soon as I got laid off from my well-paying job.  I was trapped, or so we both thought.

That year I heard “what do you want…a deeevorce?” when I didn’t like what he was doing with the kids. I heard “what do you want…a deeevorce?” when he gave me my list of weekly chores to be completed while he was away (he was a pilot so was gone half the time).  I heard “what do you want…a deeevorce?” when he didn’t like what I suggested for dinner.  I heard “what do you want…a deeevorce?” when I wanted to watch something different on TV, or spend time with friends, or do anything he disagreed with.

Then one day, after a disagreement about something fairly minor, I decided that yes, I really DID want a deeevorce. Or a divorce.  Or whatever he decided to call it.

This final time when he asked the question, he had gotten so used to having control he hadn’t considered the fact that I had a new job. He hadn’t considered that I might be unhappy.  He hadn’t considered that just maybe my opinion, my thoughts, my feelings actually mattered.

He was shocked. He absolutely could not believe that I would end our marriage.  He could not understand how much this phrase hurt me over the course of the year.

When I was growing up I was always told “sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.” How untrue this statement is!  How unfair this is to the people receiving harsh words from someone who has promised to love them!

This was not the only reason for our divorce. It was just the tipping point.  It is what made it easier for me to say “yes, I want a deeevorce.”  It is what made me decide that being a single mother was better than being an unhappy married mom.  While I wish I didn’t have to put my kids through this, I have never regretted this decision.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

14 thoughts on “Love Shouldn’t Hurt – Deeevorce”

  1. That is terrible and he’s an asshole for doing that. How could anyone in their right mind think that that’s okay to say to someone? That’s verbal and emotional abuse. I’m glad you are strong and that you got out.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! When you’re in the situation it’s hard to see it happening. It starts off slowly, you make excuses…You might know in a part of your brain that it’s wrong but part of you also believes it’s true. It’s hard to break out of. But that’s why I want to share my story. You can get out of a bad situation and more importantly you can have whatever kind of life you want when you do. 😁 it’s something I feel strongly about

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  2. agree with Monqua, it’s verbal, emotional abuse and you are strong to escape it!
    Glad you are sharing your story and pray that it empowers other women to leave miserable situations … getting another job would have helped 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! After I was laid off I was very fortunate to still be receiving severance pay (7 months worth) and I chose to spend that time at home with my kids. It was an amazing opportunity even given the other things going on. I don’t regret that decision and honestly my life has worked out fantastically and for that reason I would not change any decision I’ve made along the way. Life is complicated and messy but now it’s also simply amazing. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. time with growing children is very special – sounds like you’ve successfully extracted the essence from your lessons to heal and grow, well done … not many can achieve that, great emotional maturity!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Marriage is definitely not for everyone and it’s better to take of yourself and be happy alone, than married and made to feel less than you are. Your ex husband definitely didn’t deserve and appreciate you, it’s great you found the strength to move forward with your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you for sharing. I am a heterosexual single Christian mom who is divorced and have had people attack everything about me including my sexuality to try to force me reunite with an ex-husband with NPD. I was single way before he left and we separated. There were no birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays including Mothers’s day. Any questioning around the matter was responded with a dizzying launch of accusations or threats. At one point a woman from church gave me a gift for mother’s day because I shared some of my story about working, caring for the children and having my income as the sole source for expenditures. I was married but single. Now I am divorced and still single but free. I remember one exchange about Mother’s day where I was informed that I should be more empathetic since I was not getting anything (not even a card) because my ex could not get what he wanted. I was being selfish by hoping to hear happy Mother’s Day. Well, single moms are, in my opinion, mothers who care for their children without the support of the children’s father. Sometimes that includes married women.
    http://www.hopehasahome.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing part of your story! I agree. “Single” can encompass so much more than the limited view some people have. My ex used to complain when I threw up while I was pregnant. It was harder on him to have to listen to it than it was for me, who was just losing anything I happened to eat that morning. There is always someone who has had it worse than me. I do not minimize what other people have gone through or will go through. But we can all gain strength by coming together, as women and as mothers.

      Liked by 1 person

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