In my first post I told you that after my divorce I asked myself one question that had more of an impact on my life than I ever thought possible. Who do I want to be? The problem is, I had no idea who I wanted to be. I had been a wife, mother, business analyst…but I had never thought about WHO I wanted to be.
After my divorce I made a choice. I chose to use this as a chance for a new beginning. Less than 12 months before the divorce was final I had moved to a new state and started a new job, but after the move I had been focused on the crisis in my marriage and with my family. I basically had a clean slate. I had a couple coworkers I considered friends, but otherwise I was a single mother alone in a new place.
I have to admit, I did have moments of panic….times I was so overwhelmed with what I had before me that I could have been paralyzed with fear. My marriage was Bad (yes, capital B…it was that BAD). I won’t go into detail here but by the time my divorce was final I had virtually no self-esteem. I was 60 pounds overweight and struggling with the idea of doing everything on my own. I suddenly had a house to maintain and 2 kids to chase around. I was exhausted and terrified. As if that weren’t enough, several months later I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and discovered that at least part of my exhaustion was truly medically related. But before they could get it under control I went through a period where I could barely get out of bed, never mind mow the lawn and play with the kids. There were days it seemed hopeless.
But in truth I was lucky. There are so many people who have much bigger problems. My thyroid was an issue, but it wasn’t life-threatening. My girls were amazing and during the worst times would take care of me instead of the other way around, even though they were only 6 and 7 at the time. I had a job that was flexible and a boss who was understanding. I made enough to cover our bills and have a little extra every month. I had a reliable car that would get us where we needed to go. And I was grateful.
I decided that I was going to make a new beginning. Who I had been up until that point was not who I wanted to be, so I chose to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. It was like I’d picked up the Etch-A-Sketch and started over. It was time to start drawing a picture of me as a single mom.